Arch Counseling

Get Ready

Increase Awareness

Interrupt Reactivity

Accept & Dismiss Urges

Dissect Your Reactions

Don't Lock Horns with the Devil

Love You, Hate The Porn (PDF Download)

Surrender for Power

Use acceptance to neutralize reactivity and return to a state of mastery.

It's easy to slip into reactive mode when we can't bring about an outcome we'd like, someone says or does something we wish they wouldn't, or we have an emotional reaction we prefer we didn't. At such points, suddenly life seems to take a distinct downturn and our sense of optimism and vitality go with it. We may react by denying what is happening, bracing against it, fighting it, or by refusing to experience it in some other way (as if we had the ability to do that). Ironically, we can respond most adeptly after we first accept exactly what is happening. While we may never come to enjoy such moments, acceptance enables us to return to a more resourceful state in their midst. Then we're more able to access our creativity and respond in ways that get us what we want in the long run.

Instructions: Identify what is making you feel reactive. Insert whatever feels intolerable into the following sentences and say them (out loud if possible): "I accept _______." "I am willing (to be or to experience) _______." "I look forward to (experiencing) _______." For instance, "I accept that my wife doesn't trust me with money. I'm willing to answer lots of questions about my spending. I look forward to seeing her sit at the computer and check my credit card transactions online at night." We may not feel accepting and willing, we may not look forward to the events that cause us distress, but using this kind of language can sometimes collapse the tension that builds when we're in reactive mode and provide a sort of trap door back into a state of mastery.

When your mind's stuck on something you can't control, mentally accepting the unwanted outcome can free up the mind to focus elsewhere.

We tend to become reactive when life doesn't give us what we want, someone doesn't respond the way we want, or we don't like the way we feel. Then, our mind thinks it has a job to do: figure out how to change the troublesome state of affairs. We become aroused, prepared by the brain and body to fight, flee, or freeze in order to address the problem and reestablish optimal-or at least acceptable-conditions. When reactivity "works" to make things better, our instinctive mind gets the message once things are okay again and it turns off the stress hormone spigots and shifts out of supercharged mode. When our mind can't identify a way to make things better or our actions don't bring about intended changes, our nervous systems can remain on high-alert, all revved up with nowhere to go. This can lead us to ruminate fitfully about things we can't change. Even worse, it can prod us to escalate our behavior, repeating even more vigorously knee-jerk reactions that haven't been working. When we identify what we can't change and mentally accept that it's beyond our control, the instinctive mind finally sees the dead-end sign on the narrow alley it's been trying to shove us down. We may feel bad about what it seems we'll miss out on if we don't keep trying to change things, but this usually amounts to mourning the loss of something that was never actually ours to begin with anyway. The payoff is that our mind is now free to enjoy the rest of life outside the rut we've been in and take on projects we can actually do something about.

Instructions: Watch for the impulse to get caught up in a struggle with another person or some force or factor that is beyond your control. You'll find your mind racing and you'll have the pressing urge to do even more of what hasn't worked so far. At such times, scan the mental and emotional landscape for your "conditions of acceptability." How does it seem things need to turn out in order to be acceptable? The flip side of these are the seemingly absolutely intolerable outcomes that the instinctive mind picks up and uses like a stick to prod our minds and bodies to "keep at it" until we get what we want and prevent what we don't. The problem is, the instinctive mind has prematurely arrived at overly simplistic and views regarding what is dangerous and what will make us happy. Instead of remaining on the treadmill of futility and pressing on or accelerating, poke a pin in the inflated image of what you've been thinking you could achieve by trying. Vividly imagine things turning out exactly the way you don't want them to. Accept that, ultimately, this is not under your control. Once that goal is at least temporarily out of play, see if there isn't something else you could focus on that would benefit even more from your attention.